I’ve blogged about this day before.
This year, I felt that stir that I needed to get some words down, too. Here’s the deal, tho…I don’t need “likes” or rahrahs bc I’m writing this. What I need is “shares”. This day is so NOT about me. Not about my words. It’s SO not.
Let me back up.
Recently I got a tattoo. I didnt tell anyone except my kiddos (and hubby was there w/me); I did tell my mom yesterday…I wanted her to have something to consider as this day loomed over us like a dark cloud. This permanent mark was never intended to be hidden, but never intended to be advertised either. Its a reminder.
A memorial stone.
In Belize, a few new friends saw it and asked about it. I’ve been working on the perfectly crafted one sentence explanation for it. Not, “this is the day my dad killed himself”…um…crickets, crickets. I do NOT need a reminder that it happened. I do not need a reminder that it sucked or the ugly, messy struggle/aftermath that my family still gets stuck in. That’s not the purpose of this memorial. I needed a reminder of this:
Hope and love and purpose in darkness.
This day was my darkest. It was also the day that confirms for me the presence of Someone who knows and loves me. A Someone who doesnt operate with coincidences or karma. A Someone with intentional purpose…unconditional love despite the circumstances or the “feel”…and a hope for something MORE than this life.
That’s my memorial stone on my wrist.
On this day, I lost the man who loved me more than words. On this day, God showed me a love that would be my future…I met Brent. Darkness beyond measure – and a gift I wouldnt understand right away.
our story.
At Young Life’s Frontier Ranch, I was having (as advertised) “the best week of my life”. We were 2 vanloads of hooligans from Marcus HS and Lewisville HS. I was 15…living what felt like a seamless life on the cusp of exciting beginnings. I was a spoiled, self-interested teen without a care in the world (besides which pair of jams to wear or whether to sneak my devo and adam ant-heavy mix tapes/walkman into my cabin). I knew most of the kids (at least by name) on the trip by this day because we’d already had our historical camping expedition in the Grand Canyon on the way to Frontier (another SERIES of blogs for another time). In fact, there was this “new kid” that Ron B and I kinda borrowed some water from under a rock on the hike out of the GC. Um…he’ll never know…he’s the new kid, anyway…who really cares right?
On this day after club time and before activities for the day (my cabin was set to go horseback riding), as we were filing out to get ready, Don, my YL leader pulls me aside – “Kris, I need to talk to u…” He had red eyes. He wouldnt look me in the eyes. I knew something. Something bad. We walked out the back of the club room…about 10 steps down the long staircase…and we sat, silently for what seemed like 100 years. Part of me didnt want any words, because I knew the words coming were going to change everything. They would change me.
His words, thru tears were something like, “Kris, you have to go home. Today. It’s your dad…” That was it. I knew. Fifteen years of one life, now the beginning of another. After what felt like hours of crying with Don on that step, we got up. Stepped back up those 10 or so steps. They seemed taller and harder now. I couldnt really see them now. Just felt them. We headed back to my cabin where I’m assuming my BFFs and cabinmates had been told. More tears. Busy hands helping pack my bags. Hugs. The numbness was starting to set in, a bit.
After my bags were packed, it was time for goodbyes and to the airport in the big red passenger van with Don. But, here’s where the moment happens – dont miss it – God steps into my aching in a whisper…well, a hug actually. I can close my 44-year old eyes even now and see my friends lined up outside my cabin door to hug me and mumble goodbyes. (You think its hard as adults to find the right words in these moments, consider for a sec 20ish teenagers grappling for words…even as I look back, I’m overwhelmed by EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and their effort to string together some kind of comfort.) I still see their faces. I still remember the girls crying and the guys avoiding eye contact and wiping a stray tear away here/there. I still see them.
But the moment that I see the most clearly was when I moved down the sidewalk thru my friends and their hugs and “the new kid” stepped out and hugged me. A quick, awkward hug by a 15 year old fella…doing all he knew to do. Probably 15 seconds in the swirling storm of some of the longest minutes of my life. And just like that, I was in the van headed back to my new normal. But something kinda funny happened on that van ride home. In an effort to avoid any conversation or pressure on Don to comfort me, I stretched out across the front row of the van and pretended to sleep on that drive to the airport. Pretended…bc sleep was nowhere in sight, I assure you. My mind raced…with avoidance of reality to come. Instead, I thought about that new kid. Why’d he hug me? He didnt even know me.
The next few weeks were a messy, confusing time. Thoughts of the new kid kept me sane at times…an escape, maybe. After the dust settled, I reached out to him. I called him (pretending to be inviting him to Campaigners…with my partner in crime, Desiree sitting close by with a notepad feeding me lines and such). That summer we spent lots of time on the phone…lots of time at Campaigners. He was my escape…my reminder that life was not over. Even now, I look back and cannot even imagine what it was like for him. I was so very damaged. I was beyond fragile. Fifteen year olds arent supposed to be broken. Why’d he invest in me? Why’d he stay?
The rest of the story is for another time…life was messy and twisty. He stayed by my side…he became my best friend and confidant. The things I dropped on him and he endured for the next 1 1/2 years as my friend…I’m still amazed he never gave up on me. He waited. He stayed. We started dating in 87 and have never broken up. Twenty seven years ago.
God knew. He doesnt make mistakes. 6.19.85. The day God gave me the ultimate gift. The day His promise to “never leave you and never forsake you” became real to me. My worst day. My best day.
Reading a book today (Restless – by Jennie Allen) and she reminded me of this:
my purpose on this earth is to know God and to make Him known.
My story – my memorial stone – is for that reason. To make Him known. 6.19.85. He was there. Bigger than the ugly. Even in the messy. No “likes”, just “shares”. I want to make Him known today. The God of hope. The only Source of my purpose here.
And Joshua said to them, “Pass on before the ark of theLord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and take up each of you a stone upon his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the people of Israel, that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of theLord. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.” – Joshua 4:5-7
*I remember each and every one of u on this trip…but especially that guy on the top row, 2nd from the right.
Original post: 6.19.14
I just love you.
back at ya
I get it!!!
yes u do…xo
When we get a glimpse of what He is doing – His plan for good in the bad, His purpose of building us through circumstances to be what we are meant to be, I am in awe and brought to my knees at just how good and merciful He is! 1John3:1 – What on earth kind of love is this that He has for us?!?
When I read Restless I was just hoping you would too. Thankful to know you and see His handiwork in your life 🙂
just started it (the book)…thx for ur words/share, friend
You are just awesome and yes…I am sharing!!
God is awesome…and I’m thankful ur sharing. Love u
WOW, just WOW Kris! You are amazing and thank you for sharing your incredible story! I always felt you were a special person and now I know for sure! Love ya! Tammy
miss seeing u more often, but thankful for FB to connect at times like these. Thx, friend
Thank you for sharing your story. I never knew this about you. Can’t think if a better way of making God known than by your sharing it.
thx, friend…thankful when He uses my story…we ALL have stories to be used
Kris – you don’t know me, nor I you. I came to this blog because it was shared by a Facebook friend of mine. But you and I are in a special club. It sucks to be in this club. But once you are in it, you are glad you aren’t alone! My 15 year-old son committed suicide January 29 of this year. Totally blind-sided all of us. No remotely reasonable explanation. It’s helpful to hear the stories of someone further down the road than I. God is using Tex’s story to make Himself known as well. “All the days for me were written in your book before one of them came to pass.” Psalm 139:16. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh Lucy. Oh Lucy. I’m so very sorry. So sorry. There are no words. None. I’m thankful that u shared this w/me. I’m honored to be praying alongside u. God continues to drop sweet new friends in my path that share our “club”. Sigh. Oh how badly it SUCKS (I always tell my kids – thats an ugly word, except when something really really really does SUCK…then it just FITS. This qualifies for SUCK.). Oh how many times I’ve screamed/begged for a “why” or some understanding. Friend, I say this with love and hope that He reaches down and hugs ur neck as I write it. But I still remember the day I almost HEARD Him say to me –as I begged for the answer to “WHY”–there is NO answer to that question that will ever be enough for u.
No answer to WHY is ever going to be enough for us.
He knows our Qs. He knows our SUCK.
Lucy, I’m praying for u. I’m praying for ur now and for ur future. I’m praying that God shows Himself in surprising ways…like Jericho-walls-falling-down ways. And, I look forward (this will most certainly sound weird, so brace yourself) to the day in Heaven when we DO get the answer to our “WHY?”s when we can high 5 and share a “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, so thaaaaaaaaaats how it works…”
Praying, Lucy. Praying hard. Thank u for sharing Tex with me.
Thank you Kris. Although I don’t understand your personal loss I too understand the void of a parent dying, no mater how it happened…. It happened. God brought to me that year a room full of first graders, that became my refuge and brought so much joy when I thought I would never have the desire to laugh again. God made me but my sweet momma shaped me. Bless you as you continue to walk this out until the day of Christ Jesus. Thank you for sharing a beautiful story about Gods grace as He entrusted you to this terribly sweet journey.
PattyParker
Patty, thank U for ur sweet encouraging words. Loss is loss. It’s hard and confusing and often just doenst make sense to our lil human brains/hearts. But, these are those moments when the Church is the Church. So thankful to be part of it w/souls like u. I do adore ur words “God made me but my sweet momma shaped me”. Sigh. So thankful for her shaping u…she did an amazing job
i just love your whole family, and have always been amazed at your positive spirit, kris. xo
thx for ur sweet words Staci…God is good, even in the yuck. xo
Thank you for sharing your story. There is no doubt God was with you that day and that He continues to hold you close. I love that He sent you an angel to share your life with… congratulations on twenty-seven years!
Luann, Brent will LOVE that u called him an angel! Ha! Its funny…we STILL (29 years later) marvel over how God decided to roll up His sleeves and do his THING on that day. In that moment all those years ago, He showed me that coincidences are untruths and He cares about even a silly, bratty 15-yr old from Flower Mound, TX. Sigh. So often during hard times I get to look back on that. My YL leader who was there w/me, Don, said to me once: “faith is remembering”. It’s been so very very true for me.
thanks for reaching out…share it as much as you’d like…it’s a God-story, not a Kris-story
Kris
Thank you for sharing your story. We went to school forever together and I never knew this about you. My father passed away in February 1985 and I know that pain.
You are so strong and a wonderful woman. As I am learning, God is amazing and often does things we don’t understand until far later.
Lori
Love you, Kris. Tears. Sharing. <3
Crying, smiling, sharing! I LOVE our God. Wow do I love Him. And I love you my friend. Thank you for sharing this intimate gift with us. It has blessed my life.
Thanks for sharing Kris! I cannot imagine the pain you went through. God definitely knows what He is doing although it is sometimes so very hard to understand. As I have told you before, I could not understand why He took my daughter. But I would not have my son if it weren’t for her. Very cool tattoo by the way! 🙂
love ur perspective…so hard in the midst of that pain to see ANY reason God could use it, but what a story u have to share (esp to ur sweet boy) about how God takes even the awful, unbearable – and makes it beautiful. XO
35 years next month, kiddo. I shall be praying for you and your family as that date enters the room.
Two hard calls today on my end, gentlemen at 48 and 44, respectively. Hurt and loss know no bottom.
I know that you write to your dad in words, in memory, in thought, in prayer, but even more in deed, and surely he is proud, indeed.
You done good.
Keep marching, one foot in front of the other.
You and yours are a testament to He who restores and honors en route.
-b
Boy howdy do I understand what you just wrote. I tell my kids all the time that our hope is in heaven not in the things of this earth. This world is temporary and we have a job to do. But God does show up in the bad. We just have to open our eyes and look for Him. He is there!!!!! Thanks for sharing.