So I’m sitting here typing (NOTE on a keyboard that is now missing the ‘p’ and ‘;’ keys and the space bar is skipping thanks to a barbie doll mishap…and I do have blisters on my ‘p’ finger so appppppppppreciate my sacrafice ok?) getting mentally ready for a day of drinking awful gunk tomorrow in preparation (ouch…my pinkie!) for some gut tests on Wed. YES, I know…it’ll be gross, yada yada yada – but its a necessary evil. I’ll leave it at that. Just need some investigating and now is the time.
But, I digress…
It just seems weird that I’m old enough for my stuff to start malfunctioning…am I really that old? YES. I am.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been revisisting a girl that I once knew…about 20 years ago…a teenager. Its weird, I’ve put her out of my mind for so long, but lately, God seems to be bringing her to mind…and heart, often. Everything from books I’ve been reading, to letters I’ve come across, to memories that have been rekindled. She keeps coming back.
Last nite I told my high school sweetheart…my precious gift from God…a promise of survival and joy that God planted in my life 22 yrs ago…how much I’m thinking of ‘her’ lately. Its as though I’m getting to know her for real all of the sudden. I thought she was long gone. But, my wise sweetheart said "maybe God wants you to really feel what it was like to be her again bc He wants to use you in that…maybe our kids, maybe someone else’s…only He knows…but you know He has purpose in all things".
Hmmm. I AM glad I married him.
And so, as I’ve reaquainted myself w/her, I’m learning from a different perspective just how angry and split to pieces she was…how she was hanging on by fingernails…barely there, but doing her best "to find her way back to who she was before" (that was also my hubby’s wisdom in words). As I’ve been working thru some of it, many faces and words have come to mind…people who may not know how they helped me thru…how they may have been the ones to steady my steps even for a minute…just enough to keep me moving fwd. Do they know how they blessed me? Did I tell them?
I’m talking to God about it now…"do You want me to try to find them…to tell them? To encourage them in some way? Do they know that even the smallest bit of encouragement helped save me? Do you want me to tell them? Am I blessing others thru the hand You’ve dealt me? Am I doing enough? Is that what this blog is for?" (Yes, there are many Qs swirling right now obviously!)
Not sure…but I will say this, as I stand here now…37 yrs old and look back at her, I see all those that He so gingerly dropped in to be there for me…even if they dont know it – He does, and so do I.
Last week our pastor taught on blessing others. Do I complain and wallow in self-pity for my circumstances or do I see them as opportunities to bless others? Really…deep down? Am I seeking to bless others, even in discomfort and pain? How I pray that I can…that He can strengthen me to be more than I am on my own…it was not all for nothing…it was for Him.