Sometimes it can be so frustrating when life seems to deal you a series of frustrations…or struggles…or unanswerable questions. Unclear times can be so confusing. Times that dont seem to plug along w/ease and grace seem painfully dull and pointless at times.
Here I am – at the lake still – in one of my fav places on earth with some of my fav peeps on earth, and I have just felt…I dunno…stagnant. My quiet times have been seriously interrupted/inconsistent during the holidays and that only makes for confused, unfocused times. But more than anything, it makes for selfish times…purely self-focused. Isnt it funny how easily we can fall into selfishness…its just so NATURAL eh?
For me, I can almost FEEL the transition into going into self-focused times – I suppose thats good that I can tell a difference. Anyway, its weird, its like even a situation as simple as 'watching tv' can SO easily get messy when you put yourself FIRST and others/God somewhere behind. I dunno, sometimes I wonder how the heck God can use such a flawed person as me. I suppose I make it hard for Him to use me when I get in the way, right? Ugh. I mean, I find myself thinking thoughts like: "I dont want to do that…its not my job…nobody notices if I do that." All things that take only ONE point of view into consideration…mine.
And so, today as I sat on the porch and cracked open my bible for a bit, its as though God said "Finally! Where the heck you been, girl?" So many things to show me…to remind me…to teach me in this place – even when I feel so frustrated w/myself and where I am.
I started reading thru a book I read last year (ironically, I read it last year at the first of January, too…hmmm go figure) and immediately I focused in on something that caught my eye…
"When we feel like WE have it all together, we base our prayers on our situation and our needs. But when we see our own insufficiency in light of the holiness and power of God, we focus on His agenda and His character. We realize that His attributes are worth relying on and ours are not. We base our prayers on who He is."
It just really hit me – when I dont try to seek what God would want me to be/do, then its just natural that I'd be relying then on what I want. ME ME ME. And, ultimately if I'm going to be the one in charge – then, what a mess I'll be making. I mean, seriously – if you only think of how all things effect YOU or how you DESERVE this/that – then there is no room for God in your life. I dont want to be that person…even for a little while.
Game time – gotta go. Go Tech (that's not selfish to want that, is it? Ha!). Just thinkin…and had to share.