[reblog from 2011]
Yesterday was rough.
At about 3p my sweet daughter was shaking with pain and fear. And, through it all – I was there feeling helpless. She just kept begging me for one thing – to answer a question:
“WHY, Mommy? But, WHY, Mommy?”
I suppose I should update you – she’s going to be fine. She has a staph infection and we had to go thru painful shots and some other procedures to get that infection OUT and on the road to recovery. (Trust me – you dont want the details.) But, it was a long afternoon of confusion and suffering – for both of us.
And so, there we were in the dr’s office; I gripped her tear-drenched checks so she’d focus only on my face–away from the ugly stuff the dr and nurse were doing. As she asked me her Q over and over – I just kept repeating the only thing I knew to say:
“I don’t know, baby…I don’t know why…”
I cannot shake that helpless feeling I had. Wondering in my own head the same Q she cried to me over and over. And so–as I often do when I cant shake stuff–I really think God intends for me to work thru it…think on it…pray on it…not let it go. So, here’s what I think He wants me to know about it:
- There’s no WHY good enough. I’ve said it before. It’s funny – no matter how much I tried to explain to my sweet, crying baby girl there was no justification that could make her stop and say, “Ahhhhhh, you’re right! I’m going to just STOP suffering now because this is good and important to my ultimate well-being.” Y’all, there were no words I could’ve shared that could’ve made it better.
- I don’t have to give her all the answers she thinks she needs. Sometimes as a mom I feel like a failure bc I dont have it all figured out and situated just right…all neat and clean. She didnt really need the true answer to her question. In fact, I’d venture to say – she didnt even MEAN to ask me that Q. She needed me. She needed me to love her and be near her…even if I couldnt stop the agony. Maybe she didnt realize what she needed, but I was there to give it to her anyway.
- “Shadows prove the sunshine.” OH how I want to protect her from pain. I’ve had too much in my life and I want to shield her from it at all costs. But then, a lot of the shadows are what God used to mold me into who He wants me to be for Him. The only thing she knew during it all was that she couldnt wait for it to be OVER. And when it was, we hugged and hugged…and it was one of my favorite moments with her. The darkness made the light so much more bright. I dont think a hug wouldve been so precious to me had we not cried and suffered thru the yuck.
- Its my job to teach her. Ya know, I have to teach her how to endure. I have to show her how to do it…how to look in the face of someone who loves you as you walk thru hard stuff. Just focus on that person who loves you without end. As much as I wish I could change it – this will fade away and bigger pains will haunt her. If I cant show her where to look and how to emerge on the other side thru THIS, how will she make it when those come?
I’ve been where she was. So many times I’ve cried those same Qs to God. Who hasnt? But, have we ever truly thought about what it must be like to be on the other side of that Q? I dont think I really ever have. So many times as I was begging my sweet girl to look at me…to trust me…I thought of God and all those times He’s said those very words to me. He’s the One who gave me the example to follow…the Way to show my girl an unconditional love in the midst of some messy, ugly stuff.
Sometimes I’m the crying lil girl. Sometimes I get to be the comforter. But, either way, I thank Him for the truth He’s given me as I muddle thru.
- There’s no WHY that’s good enough. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
- I don’t have to give her all the answers she thinks she needs. “I will never leave you; I will never forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
- “Shadows prove the sunshine.” “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
- Its my job to teach her. “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.” Deuteronomy 4:9