Weird word, i know. But that’s the word i woke up thinking about: “flimsy.” Honestly, i kinda wondered if it means what i think it means. i googled it; it means “comparatively light and insubstantial, easily damaged.”
Today is a big day for an important member of my tribe. Amy is getting a liver biopsy followed by an oncologist appointment that has been looming for a week or so. This biopsy and appointment will direct the “what’s next” plan in her cancer journey.
As i woke up with this weird word, i started trying to pray for Amy. i tried to pray and words wouldn’t come. Honestly? i felt a lil mad, a lil sad, a lot unsure of what my prayer was supposed to sound like in this moment. My faith felt…FLIMSY.
A few years ago i ran into a friend at a store. We did the “catch up a year’s worth of updates in a 5 minute chat” thing and then we went our separate ways. During our catch up sesh, she updated me on some things her daughter was dealing with and said these words: “Well…I guess all we can hope for our kids is that they are happy.” i nodded in agreement and went along with my day. But her words stayed in my head. i think God wanted me to stew on them a bit if i’m being honest. i started thinking/praying, “Is that REALLY what my hope for my kids is? Happiness?”
This story came back to me today as i tried to give God some words about my fears and feelings about Amy’s situation. Why? Not positive. But i kinda think it was Him reminding me that He’s never promised me happiness. He’s always been about hope not happiness.
Today i don’t have words to pray. He knows that. He’s not looking for words from me. He’s looking for trust from me. Today isn’t about happiness, it’s about hope. He’s not looking to just relieve some pain and discomfort in my world today, He’s bigger than that. He’s reliable in the flimsy faith times…and in not-so-happy times.
Thanks for days like today. i feel weak. You are strong. You’re never caught by surprise. You’re never unaware or blind to where i’m dwelling. You don’t change. My circumstances and situations do. Why do i so often seem to put my hope in shifting outcomes instead of You? Why do i rush ahead of You when You’re right here with me? You love me when i’m flimsy. You love me when i lean in. Give me Your eyes today when i look at the hard stuff facing me/us. Give me Your hope when i feel hopeless. i want to be more concerned with making You known than my comfort.