Do you LOVE that new profile pic? (You bloglines folks need to click on me and go see)
I was tired and trying to freshen up look of blog w/o spending any time or $ – couldnt find pic of ME. Isnt that funny? Out of all current shots, not too many of ME. I guess I’m the one taking the pix…anyway, as I came across this one of my 5 yr old superstar, I thought it was perfect.
Searchin. Lookin. And, I sure hope – learnin.
I dont know about you, but I feel quite empty during those times when life seems to be squashing me…meaning–I just feel like I’m getting thru the day…no purpose, no end goal…just getting thru.
I feel lost when I think my ultimate/only purpose is to get the den vacuumed and dinner on the table. I start to focus on the stuff that shouldnt matter…why have I gained 10 lbs? can I really run 13 miles in Dec w/that? do I play enough w/the kids? if I dont, how can I do that AND be the perfect homemaker? is my house clean enough? where do I make the time to get it done? do I have relationships that arent what they seem? are people mad at me? do I have enough trendy outfits? do I fit in? do I need new chairs for dining room? do I walk the dogs enough? DO I HAVE ANY MEANING OR IS THIS ALL THERE IS?
(Whew. That was JUST off the top of my head…imagine if I REALLY start pondering.)
There is more. There is purpose. But it wont find me if I dont seek it.
Stay w/me…I feel like there are so many times in my life that God is teaching me VERY SPECIFIC things. VERY specific. He’s cool like that. Its like, He’s patiently waiting – holding the water I crave/need as I race to the finish line. If I dont take the water hand up, thats MY loss. I’ll be weaker…I’ll be needy. I may finish, but it wont be a strong finish. He’s just holding it out, waiting for me to take it.
Right now the water He’s handing up is really hard for me. This is what I think He’s working on in me:
Its NOT all about me. And even when I think/say that its not, I still live my life as tho it is. Example – how annoying are people in your life who are SELFISH. Gosh, dont you just wish you could scream “Dont YOU see??? You are skewed. Its NOT all about you!” If you feel like screaming that…reminding them of how selfish they are, then what is YOUR focus on? Hmph. Yea…well…TOUCHE. Humility is being humble regardless of the circumstances. Regardless of the justness of it. I’ve found myself lately in situations where I seem to be promising God that I’ll be humble, but on my terms. In other words, I’ll be humble when they DESERVE it…or when its recognized by others. WOW. How misplaced is THAT? Humility is humbleness before the Lord…regardless of circumstances…regardless of who is watching.
For so long I think I’ve been a little stagnant in my learning. Still learning – doing Bible studies, seeking knowledge from others, praying for it – but, usually on MY terms. Not quite stretching my brain and seeking true growing thru my knowledge. I have a good mind. Do I use it? I am trying to see what He can teach me each day…something new, something profound…a challenge to God, if you will. What do YOU learn daily? Where do you seek information? For me, I’ve been podcasting like a mad woman. I’ve been reading a lot too. Here’s what I have going right now…
Favorite podcasts – Ravi Zacharias, Mark Driscoll – Mars Hill Church, Seattle, WA, Walter Nusbaum – RockPointe Church Teaching Pastor. Favorite books – Mere Christianity by CS Lewis, Blue Like Jazz – Donald Miller, Being the Pack Leader – Cesar Millan (HEY, I never said all my learning had to be about God’s plan for me! Some has to be about His plan for my DOGS, too!!!)
I’m also trying to LISTEN MORE…talk less. That is #1 challenge for me. What do I miss by being the one w/all the words? What opportunities do I miss bc I’m busy planning what I want to ‘share’ next? I want to learn…not just teach (or TALK, for that matter).
POINT IS – I want to seek knowledge. I want to SEEK, not just survive. I know that when I accepted Christ part of me changed…most of me didnt. That is the ‘regeneration’ part of that change. How do I become regenerated, that is – new and changed, unless I let Him continue to teach me…unless I seek what HE wants for me, not just for what I want for me.
And so, I pray for this – the DESIRE to seek knowledge…the DESIRE to humble myself and become the Kris that He wants me to morph into. For now, thats where I am. I only hope to keep my blinders ON and try to ignore the distractions…thru His plan for me, I’ll get the dinner planned…the kids will get fun mommy…I’ll get OK about my self-image…I’ll enjoy my runs…I’ll quit worrying about what OTHERS say/think and only about what He does.
Searchin…I dont think it ever stops. But for me, I just want the sun to go down and me be able to know that I was seeking…I was learning and ultimately, growing and making a difference.