(originally posted on June 17, 2006)
One year and five months.
As I type this, my hands are shaking. Remembering. Feeling it all again. The parking lot where Brent and I had to pull over and sob together after the pediatrician gave us the news. One year and five months ago our world screeched to a halt. News that a swollen lump on Braeden’s chest was indeed an indication of something going on in his brain. A problem. Then words swirling around the sterile exam room like: tumor, massive medications, brain surgery, long-term risk factors, hormone imbalances, brain damage.
The next two weeks were excruciatingly long. After MRIs and Endocrinologist examinations, our diagnosis started as a prolactinoma (tumor in Pituitary Gland) then downgraded to a final diagnosis of a pars intermedia cyst. A miracle in our opinion. A blessing that required no immediate treatment, just yearly MRIs and blood tests to monitor his cyst. Still, an unspoken fear loomed…it could get worse…it could affect his brain function…things could change.
For the past 17 months, our Lord has not let us look at Braeden once w/o being reminded…and almost hearing Him whisper it to us…”I have bigger plans for Him…trust Me.” And we have. My goal this past year became to not live in fear. To live in trust. Until I typed the words, I never realized how exhausting trusting God can be. A struggle. A fight for the reigns. A realization that he is NOT mine, He’s entrusted to me while he’s here. He’s His.
This Thursday the dreaded time had come. It was time to head back to Children’s Hospital for our follow-up yearly MRI. It crept up. As we broke the news to our lil man, his tears broke my heart. I longed to fix everything and Brent made “daddy promises” of trip to Toys R Us and sleeping in our bed. It helped. He was a super star. But for me, fear threatened. Trust was hard to find.
Needles, meds, IVs, and big, big machines. He did it like the lil man he is…w/questions and understanding beyond his years. As I sat in that MRI room w/ear plugs in staring at his lil 7 yr old feet dangling out of that big loud machine, I was torn up. I felt so out of control. A good thing? I think so. Because with the helplessness, came an assurance of peace. Weird, I know. But while I sat listening to the loud whooshing sounds of the massive imagining machine my heartbrokenness was suddenly replaced with another whisper louder than the MRI machine reminding me, “I have bigger plans for him…trust Me.”
We returned home exhausted and uncertain. And at 4:59p on June 16th I got the call.
“Mrs. Murphy? This is Dr. Dickson…I’m calling with results of Braeden’s scan.” Shaking hands, tears in my eyes I listened, “I’m calling to tell you the results show NO CYSTIC MASSES, IT WAS A COMPLETELY NORMAL SCAN.” “What does this mean??” I know what it means. It means 1 yr and 5 months ago, at my lowest point – that whisper didn’t lie. I have big plans for him…trust Me. It means its gone…he’s healed…its gone. Our 6 month appts and yearly scans? DONE – the dr said. Unless symptoms kick back up, we’re DONE.
I hung up…grabbed Brent and suddenly I felt like I needed to sleep for days. Weird. I was so tired, I couldnt see straight. I’m still in a fog.
He’s got plans for my boy. As I’m attempting to process it all, I think back on Braeden’s response when we told him we had to head back to the doctor for another MRI.
“Daddy, why do you think God lets me go thru this? I dont want to get another MRI.” And I heard Brent speak wisdom into our boy and say: “So you can know what others dont…you can understand what it like to go thru this and use it in your life to help others.”
And so, I thankfully close this chapter…hoping it never has to be re-opened, but choosing trust over fear if it does.
He is good. He sometimes whispers. And He’s always trustworthy.