Whew…talk about a blog drought. Well, I'll be back soon – dont quit me.
Today – well actually at 11:59p last nite – I started this blog in my head.
Today is "the day".
Most of us have those days. You know, the day in your life when everything changed…the day that you were broken and just knew you'd never be fixed again. No matter how long ago the original day was OR how 'healed' you feel now, the day still looms. It burns a hole on your calendar and your life tends to revolve around it like the sun. In my mind, everything that happens in June is "x # of days away from THE DAY".
Every year the day hits me differently, but no matter what, I'm always glad to check it off when its over. Today, my first thought about the day was "there are some things I know" – not just THINK, but KNOW – that came from this day. So, I needed to share…bc you need to know these things, too.
1) THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES. I could list all the reasons I know this, but its a truth that I'd stake my life on. I don't believe in random chance. I believe in order and a plan. For me, God's given me the chance to see that…by giving me a glimpse of all He's orchestrated in my life. Now relax, I dont mean I have some crazy visions or something. He gives us ALL that glimpse – its called memory – its just our choice if we choose to look at it. He stepped into my life at ski camp – 6 months before "the day". We in the YL world laugh bc "no one gets saved at ski camp!!". I did. No accident. He knew what was coming. He also planted a new kid in my life on that trip…ya know, the one I "BORROWED" water from under a rock in the Grand Canyon w/Ronny B. He was my distraction on the way home…he's my distraction STILL.
2) PAIN IS A GIFT. I can still taste the thick air when Don had to tell me what would surely crush me. And it did…crush me. And, in all honesty, continues to at times. But, there is beauty in those ashes. My friends laugh bc I am a funeral groupee (Krystals words!). I know how it feels to be on that front pew. I know the numbness and the ache and the darkness. I still remember the faces of my friends who were there for me. I'll never, ever, ever forget their faces. Walking thru the pain allows me an understanding. I can choose to be a comforter the way my God comforted me…or I can avoid revisiting that dark place like the plague. For me, I feel like its part of my purpose here (dont laugh)…and if I can make ANY sense of the pain that I had/have to help someone else walk thru theirs, well…then…it helps me understand #3 a little better.
3) PURPOSE IS A REAL THING. Read any blog I've ever written about death and loss and you'll know I will BEG you to never tell a grieving friend that "its all a part of God's plan" or that "He has purpose in everything". Sheesh. Really? Is that comforting? Uh…no. Duh. But, it's true. It's true. It's true. (It's just not something a hurting person needs to hear right then) I know that the yuck I've walked thru in my life fit together in this massive puzzle that is 'life on earth'…I do. I've gotten to see times where I say to myself "ohhhhhhhh…I see now". It may sound dorky, but it makes me excited to see it ALL layed out before me when I get to Heaven. All of it…for purpose.
4) FEEL STUFF. On this day there's always that urge to say "C'mon, its been YEARS…its time to just move on". Well, that's just foolish. Do you think He gave me feelings for no reason? They're not accidental…it still hurts…it still makes me sad and angry and confused. Just bc of #1-3, I'm still feeling it…and, lying to myself about that is detrimental. I have to face feelings…and aching and walk thru it. The truth is, my kids WILL have trouble…their lives WILL give them pain and struggle. I want them to know my truth…that you gotta walk thru the fire and come out the other side, not just run from it.
5) I'M NOT ALONE. I don't meet very many folks who have gone thru my same situation…most have very different stories. Same hurt, different stories. But I do know that I'm never ever alone. Whether He puts someone right in my path, right at the moment I need them OR whether its just a word I get when I read His Word to me. I'm never alone. He's my own personal God…He knows it all. Ya know, I think about how I comfort my sweet kiddos when they hurt. I hug and wipe tears, but often times my words are, "I know, I know, it hurts, I know…" He knows me just that same way. And y'all – I know it sounds weird – but there have been more times than I can count where I almost audibly heart those very words in my ear. He knows. I may not always get rescued, but I'm never by myself. He knows.
I'm thankful for this day…I'm REALLY thankful for TOMORROW when it's over. But I'm not afraid to face it…bc in so many ways its made me who I am. Its part of me that I cant undo…and would never ever want to.